Ah yes, I remember you

It's September again.
My subconscious always remembers before I do.

I get moody. I cry a lot, I don't sleep well, my appetite is almost non-existent. I'm just a little more fragile this time of year and uncharacteristically needy.

You see in my day to day life I am able to forget.
I don't spend my days thinking about the morning, the things I saw looking out my office window, Maureen throwing her arms around my neck and whispering in my ear "Allen is on the 89th floor" I don't think about hearing someone scream  as the first tower fell and suddenly realizing it was me. I don't think about brushing the soot of a complete stranger standing in front of me at the ATM line. I don't think about her face, the one on the fliers I saw everyday for months after the attack. Her pageboy haircut and white blouse with a black bow tied at the neck. She is burned into my subconscious. I am certain there are several New Yorkers who have a similar face. I don't think about these things, but in September, it all comes flooding back and I fucking hate it!

I know that the attacks of September 11th are painful for all Americans but I also know many Americans don't understand what happened in New York after the attack. They don't know that the fire burned well beyond Christmas, that the smell below 14th street was almost unbearable, they don't know that evacuations and closing happened daily.
That fully armed military and police personal were everywhere. That certain streets were "off-limits to civilians" and walking around without your ID was just plain stupid.
It is funny to me when people talk about a government take-over, I am usually very quiet whenever this conversation comes up.
New York became a military state in a matter of minutes.
Yes, it was necessary to ensure we were protected, but that does not change the terror it caused.

I woke up on a Tuesday and I lived in a free country, when I went to bed that same Tuesday, I lived in a war zone. There were F-16's circling my city and people in military fatigues carrying automatic weapons.
This new reality was very disturbing. I am not complaining, I'm just stating what a lot of people don't know.
I remember my mother calling me one day alarmed that Atlanta had been upgraded to ORANGE. I know she was terrified but I quickly reassured her that where I lived it was and remained RED.

I'm sure that did not reassure her but I know I thought it was hilarious.
It spoke to me about how far removed my reality was to the rest of the country.

My friends and I would chuckle about it. Nobody really laughed, or cried, for quite some time but you had to attempt to find some humor or would go crazy.
There is funeral bunting on all the fire houses and police stations, teenagers are taking pictures with military personnel and there are fliers with the faces of missing people on everything.
And everyday, everyday you see the firemen, police and volunteers coming off the pile.
It wasn't just the day that was horrifying, the aftermath was just as bad........................................

At 12:01am September 11, 2002 I walked up to my local firehouse. There were several people there. I had my candle and I lit it along with my neighbors. A woman hugged me and cried and a fireman thanked me and said "It's been a long fucking day hasn't it"