They actually aren't but I use humor to cope with heavy stuff so get off my back.
Most of the time if you have a scheduled scan you go to a place where all
they do all day long is scan people.
I like to call these facilities "pokers r us" because that's what they do.
I know, I thought all that stuff was done in a hospital too but no.
So anyway, these places are a bit surreal.
I mean you have to remember most of the people here are facing some
pretty heavy sh*t so there is not a lot of smiling.
When you walk into the "waiting" room there are people drinking this oh so wonderful gelatinous liquid or sitting there with said gelatinous liquid shooting into them through an IV. There are nurses and techs running around checking on people and there is the ever present "Mr. Smith, you need to drink these last two glasses right away" call from "The Heavy" of the waiting room.
I like "The Heavy"
It's not that she's cruel she just has a certain "way" about her.
Things get done and they get done the right way......she makes sure of that.
What she lacks in bedside manner she makes up for in skill and knowledge.
You know that if someone suddenly keels over she will literally will the life back into them.
"you ain't gonna die on my watch motherfu*&er"
She's a bit cold, but it's strangely comforting to know she's there.
Once you choke down a gallon of gelatinous "sh*t" the heavy, or one of her minions directs you back to a changing stall.
It's very weird back here.
It's a clinical setting, everything is linoleum or stainless steel and it has that antiseptic smell, but the lighting
is a bit off.
In comparison to other clinic/hospitals.......it's downright dark.
They then shuffle you into an even darker room and put you on a movable table with a giant robotic machine hanging above it.
Yep.....this is officially terrifying.
I think this is where the alien prob story comes from. If I had more drugs in me, I could be convinced that this was an alien ship and I was about to be probed.
Who are we kidding....I AM about to be probed
It's kinda freaky.
And then the scan begins.
The table moves about, the crazy machine moves about and the Doctor (I think he's just a tech but I don't want to offend anybody) is staring at something out of my field of vision.
He suddenly stops and starts to focus on something.
The scary probe machine is not moving but it's making a strange zoom like noise
"what!?" "what is it? what do you see?" "why did you stop?"
"is it bad?" "JESUS CHRIST MAN, SAY SOMETHING"
Of course this is all in my head and I am still lying quietly on the slab.
He then calls to a nurse or tech or minion to bring him something I have never heard of.
The minion puts a white cup with a bendy straw to my mouth and asks me to "drink this fast"
Now what I have not informed you is that this movable table is now in head down position.
In other words I am on my back, feet up head down and this joker wants me to drink some flavorless insanely carbonated drink while basically standing on my head.
The crap is coming out of my nose and I'm choking.
In a stern monotone voice, the Doctor/Tech says "no, no keep drinking, you've got to drink all of it, I need you to drink all of it"
Seriously, did everyone in this place miss bed side manner day at med school.
And just like that it's over.
"OK you can get changed. Your Doctor will call you with the results"
Wait, what.....so that's it.
Yes, dingbat that's it, get out.
No hug, no smoke, no nothing, just poke, poke, fizz, fizz and get the hell out.
Very unsatisfying.......and now we wait......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
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